|
Retirees |
1. Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
2. Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
3. Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
4. Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
5. Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount..
6. Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.
7. Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.
8. Question: What is the common term for someone who
enjoys work and
refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!
9. Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the
basement, attic
or
garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their
adult kids
will want to store stuff there.
10. Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.
11. Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answers: The never ending Coffee Break.
12. Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to
school as a
retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
13. Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss
work, but
misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth. |
|
Old Parrot Joke |
|
A
young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had
a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of
the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by
consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and
anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's
vocabulary. Finally John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got
angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his
hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few
minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then
suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a
minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened
the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's
outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have
offended you with my rude language and actions. I am sincerely
remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully
intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and
unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was
about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in
his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the chicken
did?"
|
|
What to do at Wal-Mart
while your spouse/partner is taking their sweet time...
Submitted by Sam Herb |
- Set all the alarm clocks in
Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
- Walk up to an employee and tell
them "Code 3 in Housewares" and see what they do.
- Go to the Service Desk and ask to
put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
- Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign
to a carpeted area.
- Set up a tent in the camping
department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in
if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
- When a clerk asks if they can
help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people
just leave me alone?"
- While handling guns in the
hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the
antidepressants are.
- Dart around the store
suspiciously and loudly hum the "Mission Impossible"
theme.
- In the auto department, practice
your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
- Hide in a clothing rack and when
people browse through, say "PICK ME!"
- When an announcement comes over
the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream
"NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!"
- Go into a fitting room, shut the
door, and wait awhile, then yell, very loudly, "There is
no toilet paper in here!"
|
|
YOU ARE AN ENGINEER IF..... |
• you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
• you can name 6 Star Trek episodes.
• your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner.
• your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal
point in the right place.
• you look forward to the holidays only to put together the kids' toys.
• you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than
hanging coats and taping ducts.
• you window shop at Radio Shack
• your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi
movie looking for technical inaccuracies.
• you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is.
• you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven.
• you know the direction the water swirls when you flush.
• you own 'Official Star Trek' anything.
• you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project.
• you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear
reactor.
• you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.
• you truly believe aliens are living among us.
• you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
• you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it.
• you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile
tires.
• you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own
turns bread into charcoal.
• you have more toys than your kids.
• you have introduced your kids by the wrong name.
• you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.
• your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight.
• the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work, and you rush up
to the front to fix it.
• you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary.
• you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel, and
have seen most of the shows already
• you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting.
• people groan at the party when you pick out the music.
• you can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week.
• you did the sound system for your senior prom.
• your checkbook always balances.
• your wrist watch has more buttons than a telephone.
• you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
• you thought the real heroes of Apollo 13 were the mission controllers.
• you think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get
enough sleep.
• you spend more on your home computer than your car.
• you know what http://stands for.
• you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio.
• your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain
atmospheric absorption theory.
• the only jokes you receive are through e-mail.
• you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your
garage. |
|
Teacher Arrested at Airport -
Submitted by Sam Herb |
|
At New York's Kennedy airport yesterday, an individual later
discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board
a United Airlines flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor,
a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney
General John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the
notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with
carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-Gebra is a fearsome
cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by
means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of
absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer
to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a
common denominator of the axis of medieval with co-ordinates in every
country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3
sides to every triangle'."
When asked to comment on the arrest,
President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons
of math instruction, He would have given us more
fingers and toes."
|
| "The
rural visitor... " -
Submitted by Sam Herb |
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when
suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards
him. The driver, a young man in a Versace suit, Gucci shoes, Ray
Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the
shepherd, "If I tell you exactly How many sheep you have in
your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looks at the man, obviously
a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly
answers, "Sure. Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on
the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation
system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds
to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an
ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the
digital photo in Adobe Photo shop and exports it to a image
processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he
receives an e-mail on his Palm Pilot that the image has been
processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL
database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with
hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an
e-mail on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a
response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report
on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP Laser Jet printer and finally
turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586
sheep."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my
sheep," says the shepherd. He watches the young man select
one of the animals and looks on, amused, as the young man stuffs
it into the trunk of his car.
Then the shepherd says to the young man,
"Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will
you give me back my sheep?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,
"Okay, why not?"
"You're a consultant," says the shepherd. "Wow!
That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you
guess that?"
"No guessing required," answered the
shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called
you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew; to a
question I never asked; and you don't know beans about my
business ....."
" ... Now give me back my dog."
|
| Three
Engineers in Car: Submitted by Unknown |
| There are three
engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer
and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the
side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other
wondering what could be wrong. The electrical engineer suggests
stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace
where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, not
knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is
becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere. Then, the
Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up
with a suggestion, "Why don't we close all the windows, get
out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work
?"
|
| The
Engineer, Lawyer, and Accountant: Submitted by Unknown |
| Following a shipwreck, an engineer, a lawyer,
and an accountant are adrift on a raft. In the distance, they
see an island. The engineer, using his technical skills and
knowledge of physics, ties himself to the raft using a rope. He
dives into the water and swims towards the island pulling the
raft behind him. Sharks attack. The lawyer and the accountant
barely manage to save him. Next, the lawyer dives in planning to
use his golden tongue as well as speedy footwork to get the
castaways to the island. At once, the sharks attack and the
accountant saves him. Finally, the accountant dives into the
water not even bothering with the rope. The sharks sweep in, but
instead of attacking the accountant, they push the raft to the
island. The engineer and lawyer are amazed. "How did you do
that?" they ask. "Professional etiquette," he
replies.
|
| The
Atheist and a Bear:
Submitted by Unknown |
As an atheist walked through the forest, he
smiled at the beauty that was all around him and said, "What
natural wonders the powers of evolution have created." Just then
he heard a rustling near the river. He went to investigate and a
7-foot-tall grizzly bear was tearing down the path towards him. The
man took off like a shot, and when he got up the courage to look back,
he saw the bear was catching up fast. He tried with all his strength
to pick up the pace, but he tripped and crashed to the ground. As he
tried to get up, the bear jumped on his chest and picked up one paw to
whack him. The atheist screamed, "Oh my God!!!"
Time stopped! The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river
stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice boomed from the heavens,
"You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't
exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me
to help you out of this
predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be
hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now,
but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?"
"Very well," the voice said.
The light went out, the river ran again, and the sounds of the forest
resumed. And then the bear dropped its right paw, brought both paws
together bowed its head and spoke: "Lord, for this food
which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
|
| A
Misuse of NASA Technology:
Submitted by Unknown |
| Scientists
at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the
windshields of airplanes, military jets, and the space shuttle,
all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the
frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the
strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were
eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed
trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British
engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood
shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the
shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through
the control console, snapped the pilot's backrest in two, and
embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.
The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous
results of the experiment, along with the designs for the
windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.
NASA responded with a one-line memo: "Thaw
the chicken."
|
Aint this the truth: Submitted by Joe Kiefski
A group of girlfriends went on vacation and they see a
five-story hotel with a sign that reads "For Women
Only". Since they were without their boyfriends, they
decide to go in. The Doorman, a very attractive guy, explains to
them how it works....."We have 5 floors...go up floor by
how it works....."We have 5 floors...go up floor by how it
works....."We have 5 floors...go up floor by floor, and
once you find what you are looking for, you can stay
there." It's easy to decide, since each floor has signs
telling you what's inside." So they start going up, and on
the first floor the sign reads "All the men here are
horrible lovers, but they are sensitive and kind"... the
friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the Second floor reads "All the men here are
wonderful lovers, but they generally treat women badly".
This wasn't going to do. So the friends move up to the Third
floor where the sign read "All the men here are great
lovers and sensitive to the needs of women." This was good
but there were still two more floors, so on to the Fourth floor,
the sign was perfect. "All the men here have perfect
builds; are sensitive and attentive to women; are perfect
lovers; they are also single, rich and straight" The women
seemed pleased but they decide that they would rather see what
the fifth floor has to offer before they settle for the fourth.
When they reach the Fifth floor, there is only a sign that
reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to
prove that there is no way to please a woman."
| The
Engineer and the Frog: Submitted
by Phil |
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog
called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a
beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in
his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you
kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay
with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket,
smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me
and turn me back I'll stay with you for one week and do anything
you want!"
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at
it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the
matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay
with you for a week and do anything you want!"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I
don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's
cool!"
|
| Engineering
In Hell: Submitted by Phil |
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks
his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in
the wrong place."
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell
and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with
the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building
improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush
toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and
says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in
hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going
great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets
and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going
to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an
engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down
there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way." I like having an
engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll
sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers,
"Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a
lawyer?"
|
Subject:
DR. SEUSS EXPLAINS COMPUTER CRASHES: Submitted by Joe Kiefski
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is
interrupted
at a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy
disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and
the double-clicking
icon puts Your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted cause the
index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's
gonna crash!!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house says the network is
connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel
to another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the
hall,
and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your
icons
in the window are as wavy as a souse; then you may as well reboot and go
out with a bang, 'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk, and the macro
code instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you'll have to flash the
memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the
computer
and be sure to tell your Mom! Difference
between Catholics & Protestants: Submitted by Joe Kiefski
Bob,
a hard-shell Southern Baptist, loved to sneak away to the race track.
One day he was there betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt
when
he noticed this priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the
forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, this horse- a very long shot-won the race.
Bob was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure
enough
he watched the priest step out onto the track as the 5th race horses
lined
up, and placed his blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.
Bob made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse.
Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed
won
the race.
Bob collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the
priest
bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race.
The priest showed, blessed the horse, and Bob bet on it, and won! Bob
was
elated.
As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and
it
always came in first.
Bob began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew
his
wildest dreams were going to come true.
He made a quick stop at the ATM and withdrew every penny he owned, and
awaited the priest's blessing that would show him which horse to place
the
bet on. True to his pattern, the priest went out onto the track before
the
last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the
horses.
Bob placed his bet-every cent he owned and watched the horse come in
dead
last.
Bob was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track, and when he found the
priest, he demanded,
"What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won.
The last
race, you bless a horse and he loses. Now I've lost my life savings,
thanks
to you!!"
The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you
Protestants ... You can't tell the difference between a simple
blessing and the Last Rites." Questions
and Answers: Submitted by Joe Kiefski
Questions and answers: This comes from
a Catholic elementary school.
Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. The
following
statements about the Bible were written by children. They have not
been
retouched or corrected (incorrect spelling has been left in).
1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of
creating the
world, so he took the Sabbath off.
2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was
called
Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by
night.
4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had
trouble
with the unsympathetic Genitals.
5. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebe
like Delilah.
6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
7. Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened
bread
which is bread without any ingredients.
8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses
went up
on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.
9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the
hebrews
in the battle of Geritol.
12. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to
stand
still and he obeyed him.
13. David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar, he fought
with the
Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
14. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the
Magna Carta.
16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found
Jesus
in the manager.
17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others
before
they do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by
sweat alone."
20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get
the
tombstone off the entrance.
21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
22. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony,
which is
another name for marriage.
<![CDATA[
]]>
Bill of Rights: Submitted by
Joe Kiefski
The following has been attributed to State
Representative Mitchell Kaye
from GA. This guy could be President, someday.
"We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to
help
everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more
riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the
blessings of debt free liberty to ourselves and our
great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and
establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt
ridden, delusional, and other liberal, bedwetters.
We hold these truths to be self-evident: that a whole lot of people are
confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill
of No Rights.
ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV or any
other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them,
but no one is guaranteeing anything.
ARTICLE II: You do not have the right never to be offended. This country
is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just
you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different
opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will
be.
ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you
stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful; do not expect
the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently
wealthy.
ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing.
Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly
help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing
generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve
nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional
couch potatoes.
ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be
nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in
public health care.
ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right physically to harm other people.
If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be
surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.
ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If
you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens,
don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a
place where you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a
life of leisure.
ARTICLE VIII: You don't have the right to demand that our children risk
their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate
oppressive governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to
fight if you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world
and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every
little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.
ARTICLE IX: You don't have the right to a job. All of us sure want all
of you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we
expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and
vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.
ARTICLE X: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American
means that you have the right to pursue happiness - which by the way, is
a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws
created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights."
If you agree, we strongly urge you to forward this to as many people as
you can. No, you don't have to, and nothing tragic will befall you
should you not forward it. We just think it is about time that common
sense is allowed to flourish - call it the age of reason revisited.
Employee Performance Evaluations: Submitted by
Joe Kiefski 1. "Since
my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and hasstarted to
dig."
2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid
curiosity."
3. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
4. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of
a definite won't be."
5. "Works well under constant supervision and cornered like rat in
a trap."
6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change
feet."
7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
8. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
9. "He sets low personal standards and he consistently fails to
achieve them."
10. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an
idiot."
11. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the
better."
12. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all
together."
13. "A gross ignoramus, 144 times worse that an ordinary
ignoramus."
14. "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."
15. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
16. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
17. "He's been working with glue too much."
18. "He would argue with a signpost."
19. "He has a knack for making strangers immediately."
20. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
21, "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
22. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the
other one."
23. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
24. "A prime candidate for natural deselection."
25. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using
it."
26. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
coming."
27. "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for
it."
28. "If he was any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a
week."
29. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get
change."
30. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the
oceans."
31. "It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm."
32. "One neuron short of a synapse."
33. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
Engineer's Belief: Submitted by Unknown
Normal people... believe that if it ain't
broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have
enough features yet.
Engineers
vs. Managers: Submitted by Unknown
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is
lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the
balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I
am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air
balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.
"I am" replies the man. "How did you
know."
"Well," says the balloonist,
"everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no
use to anyone."
The man below says "you must be in
management."
"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how
did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know
where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to
help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now
it's my fault."
Yankee
Fans Commute: Submitted by Unknown
Two Yankees fans are on a train up to Boston to watch their team play
the Red Sox. They start making fun of a couple of Red Sox supporters who
only have one ticket between the two of them.
Just before the conductor appears both Red Sox fans go into the
bathroom and lock the door behind them. When the conductor knocks on the
door they slip the ticket under the door, the conductor clips it and
slides it back under the door and off he goes.
On the return journey the Yankees fans decide to pull the same trick
and purchase only one ticket for the two of them. They notice that yet
again the two Red Sox supporters only have one ticket between them. The
Yankees fans realize there is only one bathroom per carriage and quickly
take the lead, locking themselves in first, leaving the Red Sox fans
with nowhere to go.
A minute later the Red Sox fan without a ticket strolls over to the
bathroom and knocks on the door.
How
Long Has it Been? : Submitted by Unknown
One day, this guy, who has been
stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years, sees an unusual
speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship," he thinks
to himself. And as the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule
out the possibility of a small boat, even a raft. Suddenly, emerging
from the surf comes this drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet
suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned guy and asks, "How
long have you been on this island?" "Ten years," he
answers. "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!" he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof
pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He
takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man!
"Is that ever good!" She then asks him, "How long has it
been since you've had a sip of bourbon?" Trembling, he replies,
"Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on
her right sleeve, pulls out a flask, and gives it to him. He opens the
flask, takes a long swig, and says, "Wow, that's absolutely
fantastic!" Then she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that
runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at him seductively, and asks,
"And how long has it been since you've played around?" The
guy, with tears in his eyes, replies, "Oh my God!" "Don't
tell me you've got golf clubs in there!"
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ISA PHILLY SECTION HUMOR 
